Great Gravy!
by LoveHGSS
Summary: Summary – My first, and probably only, CRACK!FIC about Severus and Hermione innocently enjoying their meal, but a Weasley boy surprise, surprise decides to liven it up a little. Written based off a prompt from the lovely SS-RL-LOVER4LIFE.


Disclaimer – I sadly own none of the characters or settings you recognize, they all belong to the amazing JK Rowling. No money is made from this fanfiction.

Summary – My first, and probably only, CRACK!FIC about Severus and Hermione innocently enjoying their meal, but a Weasley boy (surprise, surprise) decides to liven it up a little. Written based off a prompt from the lovely SS-RL-LOVER4LIFE.

DO NOT TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY!

**Warning – 18 and over **_**only**_**, please. Sexual content, vulgar language.**

Severus Snape, Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, sat stoically at the Head Table, his dark eyes glancing up from his plate in three-minute intervals to scan the sea of students before him. He easily sliced through his roast, not needing to look at his long-fingered hands to know they'd accomplish the job. He saw Norton Weasley, the eldest of the new generation, look up at him before smirking and looking away. Severus' eyes narrowed, staying focused on the fifth-year longer than the rest of the student body, knowing that mischievous smile anywhere.

"Stop being paranoid."

Severus snorted but did not look to the witch next to him, knowing she would be wearing a bemused smile. One corner of his mouth twitched upward, as if pondering turning into a grin, but that was a rare commodity on the face of the one Severus Snape. There was a flicker of _something_ in his eyes as he felt a small hand pat his leg, and he couldn't help but look to his left.

"I am not being paranoid," he murmured, his voice low enough for only her to hear. "It's a _Weasley_."

Hermione Granger-Snape smacked the side of her husband thigh, ever amused at his snide remarks – well, when they weren't directed toward her. She rolled her eyes and took another bite of her delectable mashed potatoes, noting that the gravy was especially tasty. Out of her peripheral vision, she saw her husband of fifteen years pour on an ample amount of gravy over his roast and she nudged his arm when he was finished.

"Don't hog it," she said with chuckle.

Severus sighed the frustrated sigh he knew his wife hated, and was disappointed when she didn't react to him. He loved when she reacted to him. He always watched with rapt attention as her cheeks would flame red with anger and her eyes would be glow with passion as she reprimanded him. He would purposely do things to annoy her, and at the end of the night she would lose it, but he would silence her with rough kisses and a proper punishment for her outbursts. He shifted in his seat, the front of his pants suddenly a little tighter at the thought of punishing her.

"Severus?" Hermione said just as he was taking the last bite of his potatoes.

He looked at his witch, and decided to make a snappy retort, his body tingling with anticipation to see her all riled up.

"I feel odd," she said before he could say anything, her eyebrows coming together.

"Stop being paranoid," he purred, pursing his lips and giving her his best annoyed look.

"No, I mean… I feel _wonky_," she said with a mystified look.

Severus panicked for only a moment, thinking that perhaps she was pregnant again, but she had always known right off before, and never had she felt 'wonky'. He took her hand within his underneath the table and decided to drop the act, concerned. He fully intended to question her about what felt wrong, but the words didn't exactly come out the way he expected.

"I love it when you dress me up in old granny clothes," he said loudly.

The entire Great Hall went silent, only about ten students from the Gryffindor table laughing against their arms, trying to keep it quiet.

"And paint my toenails pink!" he shouted, when really he was trying to call up Norton Weasley, who was making no move to hide his hysterical laughter.

Hermione looked at her husband, watching with sheer amusement as his face turned to mortification for only the briefest of moments before he regained control of himself. She grabbed his hand and asked him if he was alright… well… kind of.

"Dumbledore is a foxy grandpa and his twinkling blue eyes make me horny!"

Luckily enough, Hermione was able to get her hand over her mouth, sufficiently muffling the last few words. Severus couldn't help the loud chuckle that left him, knowing full well what she had said.

"Oh, popsicle stands and German virgins galore!" Hermione said, not able to help it, and that time the echo in the Great Hall easily carried her words.

"Bloody hell, Batman!" Severus shouted.

Severus stood quickly, grabbed Hermione's arm, and practically dragged her out of the room.

"I expect Minerva will be servicing you later!" Severus whispered violently to a chuckling Dumbledore as he passed but groaned in frustration as his warning was not that threatening at all.

By the time the couple left through a door just off the staff's table, the entire Great Hall was roaring with laughter. They both restrained their speech until they were in their chambers.

"What the French toast?" Hermione asked.

"Her name Bubbles," Severus replied, but shook his head and chuckled. "Porn movies can make words."

Hermione giggled and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. "Fiction can blow a donkey with writing."

Severus quirked his eyebrow at his wife as she began scribbling on the parchment. "If I could take you anywhere, it'd be up against a wall."

Hermione laughed loudly and looked at Severus with her eyebrows raised. She waggled her eyebrows and nodded to a wall, which made her husband growl lowly. She smirked and held out the parchment to him.

_What is this? Do you know? And yes, my love, up against a wall sounds lovely._

Severus groaned lowly but took a quill and replied to his wife.

_It is what's called a "mix up speech" potion; I should have known. It's a strong one, but as long as we don't speak, it should wear off within an hour._

Not thinking, Hermione spoke, intending to ask what would happen if they continued to speak. "I can't shove marbles up your rectum if you don't drink a lubricating potion first."

Severus hunched over with laughter, making Hermione laugh as well.

"Fudge lollipops give me the runs," he managed between breathless, un-Snape-like giggles.

Tears were running down Hermione's face as she replied. "I eat monkeys but shit baboons."

Somehow, they both ended up on the floor, unable to stand as their laughter reached a peak, oxygen extremely hard to come by.

"I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain't one," Severus cried out, his arms crossing across his stomach as it began to cramp.

Hermione couldn't take her eyes off her husband, the sheer joy and happiness lighting his face making her heart swell to an extreme. Very rarely did she ever see him laugh, let alone burst into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. That only made her laugh more. Once again, she didn't think as she tried to tell him she loved this side of him.

"Say 'ello to my little friend!" she said, but pounded her fist on the floor in frustration, not able to stop the next words that fell out of her mouth. "Great Scott! It's Nessie!"

Severus waved a hand at her, silently trying to tell her to shut up, but words tumbled from his lips unwillingly. "I've got a golden ticket!"

"Interspecies erotica is illegal, I'll have you know!" she said back, forcing them both to roll with heavier laughter.

Fearing that oxygen would soon be impossible to come by, Severus literally crawled to his wife, pressing a hard kiss against her lips, needing to silence her. As it usually did, the kiss was deepened within seconds, the laughter turning to panting and moaning as he silenced her in the best way. Clothes were shed quickly, their lips only parting for seconds in order to peel away the clothing from their torsos. He tried his damnedest not to pull away from the kiss as he entered her tight heat, knowing the words he wanted to speak wouldn't come out right.

"Rub aloe on me and call me Shirley," he moaned against her lips, unable to help it.

The laugh rising Hermione's throat was cut off as he slammed into her, his hard length hitting a spot inside her that made a flash of light burst from behind her retinas. Thankfully, Severus swallowed her reply, his tongue penetrating her mouth in time with his cock inside her soaked core, neither one wanting the moment to be ruined again. He tried to hold off for as long as possible, not wanting to finish before the potion wore off. But as her walls contracted around him, a keening cry leaving her as she came, he was doomed. He thrust only twice more into her shuddering body before he lost it, spilling himself deeply within her.

She stroked his cheek as he pulled away, fully intent on telling him how much she loved him, but the hour wasn't quite over. "Mothballs climb into my pants at night."

The look on her face told him all he needed to know. "And pigeons ate my penis with chopsticks."

And they lived happily ever after. _Duh!_

**The End!**

_A/N – Please take just a moment out to review, I'd really, _really_ appreciate it; I'm horribly nervous about this for obvious reasons. Thanks for reading!_


End file.
